I don’t want to be pretty, but of course I do. I don’t want to be just a winner of the genetic lottery, and ornamentally pleasing. I mean that must be nice, and I certainly don’t want people to think I am ugly. But I would rather be stylish and interesting. If you think that I am pretty, I am lucky, but if not, it is more important that my unique sense of self shines through. I want to develop personal style. I want to embrace my grey hairs, a product of years of adventures; and to love my soft belly, earned giving birth to two amazing humans. I want my clothing choices to scream that I am thoughtful, creative and comfortable in my own skin. You might find me pretty, but I hope you find me vibrant, interesting and approachable.

I don’t want to be smart, but of course I do. Being smart is a gift. I certainly do not want to be stupid. But I don’t want to be just a label given to those that know the prescribed answers or that are born with a high level of mental ability. Smart is helpful, but I want to be learned and wise. These attributes require the use of innate intelligence in pursuit of knowledge. I want knowledge turned to service. I hope that each day I seek new ideas, multiple perspectives, and understanding. I want to live outside my comfort zone and to contribute ….to participate in the dialogue of ages by reading widely and traveling often. I want to expand and grow throughout my life.

I don’t want to be nice, but of course I do. To be pleasant, agreeable, satisfactory; girls are conditioned to be nice. We are told to smile more, to not make waves. Of course nice is comfortable, and I certainly don’t want to be mean. But I want to have the type of relationships where it is ok to say the hard things. I want people to say that I am authentic, caring, and kind. I want to move beyond the superficial, to invest in others, to really connect.

I don’t want to be good, but of course I do. To be approved of is a wonderful feeling. I certainly don’t want to be bad, but I want to be gracious and generous. I want to stand up for what is right even if I must stand alone. I want to engage in what John Lewis called “good trouble”. This may be a far cry from being a “good girl” who never makes waves and never speaks her mind.

In my life, I have encountered a culture where, it was expected that I work to make myself “pretty” but not to stand out too much. The social norms demanded that I conform to certain trends in dress, hair, make up and deportment. I could be smart, but not too smart. I was called into a freshman college classroom and told by the professor that I needed to deliberately try to make lower grades or I would not catch a husband. I have been told to smile when I was upset and been expected to be “nice”. This usually was code for not standing up for myself or others in situations…. to appease, to smooth over. I have tried to be good, to do what others wanted only to question whether my compliance was morally right.

It is tough to be human. We want to fit in. We want to be our true selves. In the best version of our world, we can be fully ourselves and appreciated for it. I want to be me. I want to be loved for being me. I want to see people as they are and love and support their true selves.

We live in an imperfect world, where people sort and separate and demand conformity. My 57 years of living have taught me that I don’t want to conform. I want to be valued for the many things I am instead of being judged for all the things I am not. So in my unique, imperfect way I will continue to strive to be me. I will pursue love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, generosity, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control…and I will work really hard to see you. Because we all deserve to be seen and valued as our true selves.