I was always taught not to overstay your welcome. This colloquial saying communicates that you should always leave before your host tires of your presence. I generally like having company, but it is hard for people with different schedules and routines to coexist. In a campground, a diverse group of people are living in a small area. In a Missouri state park, you are allowed to stay fifteen days. For most guests that is a fine stay. Others join us only for a few days and we are sorry to see them go so soon. Other guests wear out their welcome long before they leave the park.

In my last post, “Give a Hoot”, I explained the challenges and perils of guests who litter and otherwise destroy the park environment. In this post, let’s discuss the top ten things that cause the park hosts to count the days until your departure.

1. Imagine that your idea of a good time is something everyone wants to share. Picture yourself on a sandbar along a river on a hot summer day. You have just settled into your lounge chair. Your feet dangle into the cool water while you enjoy a cold drink. A hawk circles in the sky. You breathe a relaxing sigh. At that exact moment, music erupts from behind you….so loud that it causes you to turn over your lawn chair. The music is a genre you dislike, full of obscenities and misogynistic comments. As you are picking yourself up out of the water and scraping off the sand, a large dog races by to catch a ball thrown into the water by its owner. You feel a tail in your face. You turn to try to figure out how to get away from the ear splitting noise. Meanwhile, the dog, now exiting the water, shakes off all over you and your snacks. At this point, you are trying to salvage your dignity and control your temper. You craft what you hope will be a gracious request that recognizes your new neighbor’s right to enjoy the outdoors while you assert your right to do the same. As you approach to make your case, your new sandbar co-occupant puffs his marijuana (now legal in Missouri) in your face and gives a friendly wave. He is here to enjoy the day and is oblivious to the chaos he has created for you. Odds are good you will be leaving the sandbar before he does, because you are now an unwilling participant in the new arrival’s beach party.

2. Assume that your dog is unlike all other dogs and therefore exempt from all rules. If you hear it once, you hear it again hundreds of times. “My dog is friendly. He won’t hurt anyone.” This usually comes after the off leash dog comes running at you while barking aggressively and exhibiting signs of stress. Owners roll their eyes when told that the dog must be on a leash…even if they have a cute little fence on their campsite. They don’t believe that when you put your dog on a 20 foot lead, it could run into the road and bite the unsuspecting person walking to the bathroom in the early morning (me, it bit me). They don’t know that when you zip your pit bulls into your tent and leave them alone, they could burst through the flimsy zipper to attack someone walking their dog (and then someone…me….has to sort out the mess). They don’t think that if you leave your dog outside the camper while you are at the river, they could chase an animal across the park and kill it in front of children playing in the playground. They don’t care that if you leave a dog alone in your camper, it may bark for 12 hours straight. Parks are crowded with people and animals. No matter what you think you know about your pet…please don’t put them in a stressful unfamiliar environment and expect that they will behave as they do at home. Don’t be upset at park hosts for reminding you of rules designed to keep you and your pets safe. And if the “could happen” turns into a “did happen”, please help the person (again …me) who was knocked down and bit by your dog instead of retreating into your camper to pretend that nothing happened.

3. Not observing quiet hours. At ten pm, the campground is officially in quiet hours. This ensures that individuals can go to sleep in peace. Fireside chats and quiet card games can still happen. Making s’mores and reading by lantern light is totally ok. However, eleven pm is not the time to start up your very loud motorcycle engine and drive through the campground. Midnight is not the time for a teenage birthday scavenger hunt. One am is not the best time for a dance party. Basically if you are looking to party all night, a state park campground is not for you. When the park host (who was probably awakened by your neighbor who had already unsuccessfully asked you to be quieter) has to come and remind you to be quiet, don’t be a jerk. That makes it worse. Also don’t offer them alcohol to look the other way. You have misread the situation.

4. Run through check points and ignore hosts. Online check in is an option and can speed up registration and check in. However, when you approach a park, if the booth is open you should stop. Hosts can save a lot of confusion at check in and offer friendly service including helping you quickly find your site, preventing you from setting up on the wrong site or on the wrong day, and making sure you are in the right park. You may know what you are doing, but the hosts don’t know your plans. When you run through a check point at full speed without acknowledging the host who is trying to get your attention you are certain to get a visit. The host needs to know your details to help the camp run smoothly. If you pretend to adjust your cap as the host is waving for you to stop, they are not fooled. We know you can still see us, and we assume you have no manners. Remember, overstaying your welcome upon arrival is not ideal.

5. Running your motorized boats at full speed through family swimming and floating areas. Yes, we know you have a new toy and want to show it off. It is probable that you are racing upstream to increase the trim and get your engine higher off the gravel riverbed. This however, does not change the fact that small children are playing in the narrow channel that you are racing through. Floaters are caught in the narrows at the mercy of the current. You could kill someone with your need to speed. Do us a favor and find a lake or a more remote location. Better yet, buy an echo friendly kayak. Because when you ground your brand new million horsepower boy toy in the mud because you were doing water donuts trying to spray kayakers (who are hugging the far bank to avoid you); I am not coming to your rescue. And you probably won’t want to talk to the ranger either. He has tickets and the number for the water patrol.

6. Tying everything imaginable to the trees. I love, love, love my hammock. I have a double wide that was an awesome retirement gift. I also have tree protecting hammock straps that are extra wide. Please remember the trees when you camp. Small rope cuts into the bark and repeated use eventually will leave the tree vulnerable to disease. So if you want to bring your hammock or your portable Olympic ninja warrior course (yes, it is a thing)… make sure you have wide tree friendly straps. If you need to dry your tent and you only have a nylon rope, tie off to the lantern pole and the picnic table. And for those of you that need to hear this….if a sapling has a protective plastic sleeve and bends down to the ground with the weight of your wet swim clothes…it is not a suitable anchor for your clothesline (which is generally not allowed anyway).

7. Flip signs to confuse the staff and to assure empty spots. It is hard to imagine the hubris of an individual who pulls into a spot and thinks “the first thing we should do is flip the signs on either side of our campsite to occupied. That way people won’t know the sites are available and we won’t have neighbors.” And yet, it happens…a lot. It is easier to understand 11 year olds on bikes who are flipping signs with abandon, thinking they are pulling the greatest heist in park history. The truth of both scenarios is that they increase the work of park staff and cause general confusion for walk in campers. It takes about an hour each morning to change all the campsite signs (vacant or occupied) to reflect the days arrivals and departures. The signs help hosts and guests visually verify who is coming and going as well as which sites need to be cleaned. Don’t be a jerk. Leave the sign flipping to the professionals.

8. Lighting up the site like Las Vegas. Ok, I have to confess this is a personal pet peeve. If your campground looks like the Las Vegas strip, you may need to do some self reflection. Do you need palm trees, American flag cut outs, bucket lights, rope lights, and string lights on all night long? Of course small lights can and should be used if you are outside and need to see in order to socialize. But if the glow from your campsite can be seen from outer space, perhaps you are pushing the limits of energy use and good neighbor etiquette. Newer rvs also have a host of lights outside, inside, and even under the camper. It seems to be a weird inverse relationship between the people who do not venture outside at night and their need for bright outdoor lights. Pro tip number one- if you are not coming outside …..do not turn on your outdoor lights. Your neighbor is likely trying to enjoy a campfire and your blue under rv lights that are making your patio glow is also blinding her. Pro tip number two- your bucket light with your name on it might as well be a spotlight shining into your neighbors tent. (At least they will be easily able to identify who to complain to the camp host about as they lay awake under the bright light.) Pro tip number three- your outdoor lights will not deter the raccoons or a bear. They could care less about a porch light if you have food. However the birds and nocturnal small animals will have a much harder time navigating and finding food. If you are inside or asleep, do everyone a favor and turn out your lights. If we wanted to vacation on the Vegas strip, we would have booked a ticket.

9. Engage in prohibited Motorsports. Unless you are at a park specifically designated for atvs, leave them at home. Side by sides, golf carts, homemade go carts…all can be great fun. None are allowed in state parks. Even if it is street legal, it must be driven by someone with a driver’s license. Parks are not the place for underage drivers to practice. It isn’t that park hosts don’t like you. It is about safety for everyone. So if you wouldn’t take your baby for a ride on your motorbike at home, please don’t try it at the park. Same goes for kid’s standing in the back of moving trucks, hanging out of open van doors, riding on handlebars of electric bikes and any other potentially life threatening joy ride. If you choose to endanger life and limb do it at home, that kind of recklessness is unwelcome in the park.

10. Repeatedly park in the grass. Nothing is a bigger headache to park hosts than trying to keep guest vehicles off of the lawns and out of the foliage. If it is muddy, it is an even bigger ordeal. I appreciate when guests have attempted vehicular jenga to get five vehicles (guests are allowed two) to have a tire on the pavement. But for all that is good, please respect the intent to keep the weight of your vehicles from making ruts and killing off any hope of grass. If you have four kids and every teenager must bring their own car, just park a few in overflow parking. If there are designated parking spots, use them instead of driving four feet forward into the meadow. If all the beach parking is full, do not pull your 4 wheel drive over the bushes to park in the woods. Do not park in the grass median or in the wildflower meadow. Do not park half in grass and half in the road in order to block traffic so you can bbq next to your car. Just don’t. There is adequate parking at shower houses, picnic, and group areas. You can walk the short distance to your destination. You won’t die. I promise.

But the surest way to outstay your welcome….so important that it is in a category of its own…is to be belligerent when you are kindly reminded of park rules. If hosts request cooperation, don’t curse, throw things or otherwise have a temper tantrum. It won’t help to engage in “whataboutism” sharing all the ways you think your neighbor breaks the rules. Hosts will also kindly deal with them if there is a rule violation. We don’t care if you got away with it before, we won’t be bothered when you demand to talk to our boss. In fact, we will gladly hand you off to a ranger. They can ask you to leave, because at that point you have definitely worn out your welcome.