Today, while waiting for a Dr.’s appointment, I saw a funeral notice and tribute for a former professor/ church leader. As I saw the texts of support and accolades, I was instead taken back to a major life lesson he delivered.

I was a freshman in college and enrolled in a psychology with professor “b”. I was doing well with straight “A”s first semester and a solid performance in second semester. Despite that I was called to the professors office for a “meeting”.

Memories are a bit fuzzy with specific details, but a remember him leaning over and touching my arm with a kindly smile. He told me we were meeting because he cared about me and he couldn’t help but notice that I was at the top of my class and outperforming my classmates. I said thanks, and that I had been working very hard.

What came next was a slap in the face. He gave me a pitying look and said that was why we were meeting. He wanted to help me. It seems I was outperforming the young men in my class. And they would not like that. I would never get a husband if I didn’t change my behavior and know my place. Mrs. degrees apparently come with strings and I should play the game.

I sat there and couldn’t breathe. I didn’t speak. It was incredibly silent. I was dismissed with a warm smile and assurances that he really cared about me. I left confused and angry.

I had been raised to work hard. I had been convinced that education and hard work were virtuous and to do less was a waste of God’s blessings. I enrolled in a Christian university to seek wisdom (both secular and religious). And as I sat in the darkness of my dorm room, I was confronted with the reality of misogyny from an unexpected source.

Maybe I wouldn’t have noticed all the little signals in my environment without that confrontation. Maybe my life would have taken a different course. Instead I stayed one more year at the school. I was told often of things I could not do because I wasn’t a man. I abided by the curfew of the women’s dorm, even though there was none for the boys dorm. I laughed off, when I was told I would be beautiful if I lost weight (I was an athletic size 10). I made great friends, learned as much as I could, and reluctantly moved on.

I would not be a renowned biblical scholar. I would not serve in church leadership or work overseas. I would not do many things I thought I would do. Instead, quietly, I found my vocational calling. I chose a career where learning and hard were valued and rewarded. I learned not to confuse one person’s opinion with God’s. I learned to listen more closely and to trust myself.

As I reflect today, I see that the good professor had a positive impact on many people based on their tributes. He also caused harm. Despite his unwanted “helpful” hints, I perused a life of learning which ultimately turned out better than I could have ever imagined. It is messy sometimes.