Civility: a concept that seems to be waning in the United States. From the Latin, the literal meaning is “as befitting a good citizen”. It carries connotations of professional, ethical, respectful and courteous behavior.

Incivility, thus translates as behavior unbecoming of a citizen. It is behavior of the barbarians. Incivility runs the gamut of behaviors from rudeness to public drunkenness to threatening violence. Incivility positions self over others and narrow self interest above the common good. It is lack of regard for others in speech and deeds. Incivility looks like addressing another in an unprofessional or disrespectful way. It can be talking down or using degrading remarks. It can be name calling, harassment, or ridicule.

If we are honest, we all behave with incivility from time to time. I have had to take down a social media post or make an apology more times than I care to admit when my self reflection has not cast the best light on my actions. But even the ancient Romans knew that societies rise or fall based on the “civilized” behavior of its people. Alexis d’tocqueville wrote in Democracy in America that “Nothing is more wonderful than the art of being free, but nothing is harder to learn how to use than freedom.” Not everything permissible under free speech is advisable.

George Washington would agree. At some point prior to the age of sixteen, Washington copied 110 Rules for Civility by hand into a notebook. We can’t be sure how he got a copy of the rules presumably developed by Jesuits. But we do know he studied them and tried to make them part of his personal habits. They included tidbits such as:

rule #1- every action done in company of others ought to be with some sign of respect to those present

rule #6- sleep not when others speak, sit not while others stand, speak not when you should hold your peace, walk not when others stop

rule #14- turn not your back on others especially when speaking

rule #17- be not a flatterer

rule #21- reproach none for infirmities

rule #78- be not apt to relate news if you know not the truth thereof

Civility in short is hard. It requires a cultivated skill set that starts with being aware of others and our common bonds. It requires that we pay attention to others. It requires that we acknowledge other perspectives. Civility is inclusive in pursuit of societal goals. It is intentional awareness of others and valuing of their ideas and positions.

To be civil is to listen and ask questions for the purpose of understanding. It is showing respect, even when we disagree. It is active listening and the willingness to suspend our passion for the sake of understanding. It is the willingness to share our own ideas, beliefs, and values in respectful dialogue.

Civil conversations are almost formally polite. Courtesy is extended. Consideration is given. Those engaged in civil dialogue are willing to assume positive intent toward one another. They are accountable for their words and actions and the impact they have on others.

Civility is a mindset that citizens must be honest, fair minded, self-controlled, prudent, respectful and considerate. In a democracy, civility requires mannered awareness that allows citizens to act in authentic ways while engaging to understand the perspectives of others in order to achieve the best solutions for the common good. Civility allows societies to seek common ground when disagreement occurs. It allows citizens to speak, ask questions, push, and explore a variety of perspectives. It allows us to admit when a good point is made. It allows us dissent when we disagree. It allows us to hold personal values, while simultaneously seek to understand the competing values of others.

Ephesians 4.32 encourages us to be kind to each other, to forgive one another. Civility (conduct becoming of a citizen), demands the same. Respect, consideration, and restraint. We can do hard things when we remember to honor the humanity of our fellows through civility.

As an act of citizenship commit to civil dialogue. Refrain from posting memes that distort and demean. Speak out, but share your opinion to inform. Listen to understand. I remind myself everyday that it has to start with me.