We find ourselves in Arizona near Karchner Caverns. We booked a Koa near highway 10 and within a short drive to Tombstone, where we will adventure tomorrow. But today, we need to secure two tickets to see the cave. I call and ask for same day tickets. I am put on hold. I tell them there is only two of us. I am put on hold. Somehow we get on the last tour of the day. I feel accomplished.

At the facility, I have to rent a locker outside the visitor center. It will apparently be closed before we come out of the cave. I only have a small crossbody bag, but apparently the only thing you are allowed to take in the cave are keys and your wallet. So a coin locker is my only option. I wish they would have explained that during one of the brief moments I wasn’t on hold. But maybe this means there are great formations that in the cave or maybe it is a wild cave?

We head into the visitor center and see a small display on the cave exploration. We then sit in an outside seating area and await the tram that will take us to the cave entrance. As we wait we are entertained by three older men traveling together. One of which knows everything about everything. Just ask him.

A lady sitting down the bench from me does a pretty good job of fixing her face, but her eyes roll of their own accord. I feel ya’ sister. This guy is so good at mansplaining, he mansplains to other dudes. Thankfully, our tour guide arrives to save us…..or possibly to save Mr. Know it All…it could go either way.

Our guide is a retirement age woman wearing a crazy cat lady T-shirt. And she is wearing a cross body bag. Hmmm? I am thinking about my life choices at this point and only after I make a mental choice to let go of my resentment of the coin locker do I realize she is talking about the early exploration of the cave. She references the teenage explorers of the nineteen seventies as if they were gods. She then goes on for a very long time about safety precautions, so that we don’t contaminate the cave. At this rate, we won’t actually see the cave because the tour is only an hour and we have been standing here almost fifteen minutes. I am really wondering what is inside this cave that has everyone so worried about what we might spoil.

Eventually we get in a small tram that takes us about five minutes up a hill to an airlock door. We get to hear another five minutes of reminders to not touch anything. Before, I go any further, I should note that I live in cave country. There are at least three well known show caves within a half hour of my house. And the karst topography, provides dozens and dozens of random caves along the hillsides where I hike regularly……so. …. I am underwhelmed by the amazing, fantastic and (insert your own superlative) cave that we enter. There is mud where the only footprints belong to “Randy” and the other guy who first entered the cave. Oh, yeah, she got to meet “Randy.” He apparently comes by sometimes.

I look around for the “amazing” formations. There are soda straws. There is a big room with a flow stone and a cheesy light show to music that illuminates the singular flow stone. I guess if you have never been in a cave you would have been impressed. I was not. I am behind a concrete wall and a metal rail. I could not touch a formation if I wanted to. All the same, I am reminded that someone will come behind me and wipe down the railings in case we contaminate the cave. Okay sister….

And yet, our guide is sincere and clearly loves the cave. She is excited about her work and I will give her credit for that. It is cool down here and outside in the desert it is hot. Also, Mr. Mansplainer has been quiet the entire time we have been underground. It isn’t so bad…. I have just managed to pay $50.00 to see a large underground room. Good times.

My husband and I laugh and consider the experience “local color”. We are sure “Randy” would have approved. In a great mood, we make our way across town to one of the only restaurants we can find. It is crowded….a good sign. It is loud….not ideal. The people next to us leave money for their drinks and leave the restaurant because they have been waiting too long for their food…oh no. Benson, AZ has one last joke to play. We wait forever, but have little choice at this point. It is chaotic and noisy and I have a migraine coming on. We skipped lunch in order to get camp set up and make our way to the cave on time.

Dinner needs to happen and soon. I have endured telephone holds, cross body bag patrol, Mr mansplainer, cave explorer groupie tour guide, endless “Randy” stories and now a dysfunctional restaurant environment where I am getting ready to serve myself. I am hangry. And I am also from the Show Me state where we have Show caves, and geologists, and park rangers who give tours where you learn some things, and people who know how to kill, pluck, and fry a chicken in the time it is taking to bring me a glass of water. Whew….. where did that come from? Got water…feel better…..need food…..